Taking the magic out of the magic word

mag·ic 
1. (noun) the use of means (as charms or spells) believed to have supernatural power over natural forces
2. (adj) having seemingly supernatural qualities or powers

If you came to our house, it probably wouldn't be long before you heard "use your manners" or some version of that phrase. We often ask the girls "Isn't there a polite way to ask for that?" Or even just respond with "That's interesting" to the whiney demands for more milk. It nearly always sinks in quickly that they aren't going to be rewarded for their rudeness. If it takes longer to sink in, so be it. They just don't get their milk right away. And because we try to be consistent about it, the frequency of the whining is lessening (Anya is almost 2 however...).

Rob and I believe that children need to be given instructions on how to behave politely. It needs to be so ingrained as to be automatic. Mary P wrote a great post about instilling a sense of empathy in children. In essence she says that "practice makes perfect" and while they don't understand the empathetic response now, teaching them to say "I'm sorry" will help to establish that there needs to be a response. They have this knowledge as they grow up and then have the tools to understand the roots of the action.

Brain-washing them. And what better time for it than now, when their little brains are eager to soak up anything that catches their attention?

This is why, when teaching the kids about polite behaviors such as "please" and "thank you", I believe it's important to give them the beginnings of lessons about rudeness. They certainly don't understand the abstract concept of behavioral norms and offending people - intentionally or otherwise. And I don't expect them to. What I do expect is that the seeds will have been planted for future consideration. As they grow older, they might start to think about it and we can talk about why asking politely is necessary and respectful. We can try to avoid falling into the pitfalls of the entitlement generation.

I want my kids to realize that when they ask for something, it is a request that someone will need to fulfill for them. "Please" is the polite way of acknowledging that your request is a request; not a demand. They aren't entitled to have their parents be their servants. And in fact, they might be told no and have to do it themselves.

Please is not a magic word.

This is why I get hate it when someone asks "What's the magic word?" I think it fosters the idea that responsibility doesn't exist. It's not the kid's responsibility to do it themselves, or even to concern themselves with how the action was carried out. They are free to ignore the fact that someone had to work to carry out that request for them. How did it get done? They don't care; it's magic. The action of asking politely does not become entwined with the end results. The emphasis isn't on the niceties. It's lost in translation. It's magic.

When do children learn that the way you treat others influences the way you are treated? What basis do they have to appreciate what they are given? To know that it didn't come as a result of magic, but rather hard work. When will they learn to expect respect themselves, if we don't teach it now?

So when my children (hopefully) grow up to be appreciative of what they are given, and to realize that they deserve respect as well, I will certainly not attribute it to magic. I will know it was because of my own hard work.

Comments

[Amy W]

Huh, I have never thought of it like that...

[Jan Williams]

My baby the philosopher!

[Rachel]

I like this. It's true. Though, I don't usually refer to please as the "magic" word anymore, but I guess I still should teach my kids that it is still a request and "no" may be the answer.

[jill]

Amen Amen and Amen. One of my younger nephews asked, very politely, mind you for something over Easter, and I said, yes, I could do that for you. He hung his head like he'd been beaten. That pissed me off. I said, VERY GENTLY honey, I'm not your slave just here to serve you, and my brother K came in and said, remember what we talked about being polite, and how that's one of the most important things.. and just like that the light bulb switched on and he asked with a please and thank you and a great big smile. Finally something to give an older brother props on. If he hadn't walked in, I would have followed up my statement (very quickly) with, you need to ask me politely, but I didnt get a chance. Which was fine. It allowed for parental reinforcement of what I happen to agree with you is a very important topic. I can't wait to read this entitlement article. Matthew and I talk about this all the time. Kids, even those just a bit younger than us, that have never had to work for anything and then treat the general public like crap. I couldnt believe the 'manor born' kids at college that didnt say please and thank you to the cafeteria workers. I wanted to kick their high-bred asses, take their food away and send them to their rooms for being jerks.. sigh... unfotunately, we'll be working with these jerks for the rest of our lives in the workplace because of their age...

[arizaphale]

"When do children learn that the way you treat others influences the way you are treated?"

Well my Year 10s haven't figured it out yet!

On Jill's comment re: manor born kids. I used to work as a boarding house mistress (that sounds so politically incorrect now) in a flash school in Sydney and was horrified to see kids nightly descend upon the supper trolley tasting and discarding things a little like the cookie monster. When I challenged a girl on the bun she had dropped ON THE FLOOR she replied "YOU pick it up!" When I had recovered from the shock of this cheek I replied "I'm afraid it's not in my job description!" She didn't miss a beat. "Oh well, the cleaners will pick it up then." I brought my blood pressure under control and she picked up the bun >:-( She would now be in her late 20s. One of the entitlement generation.....