I don't even know how to start this. Anya is broken. Or maybe not. Something is wrong that we can't figure out. I've mentioned before how she falls down. That was back in January. And then she quit. And then in April, it started again. It lasted about a week or two and then got better. The pediatrician checked her out and wasn't concerned, so we let it go. And she has grown so much this year, that we kinda chalked it up to her growing and having to get used to her body again.
But this time is different. This time, she is scaring the crap out of me. She's not just falling down more. She's not just falling down when she runs. She's not just falling down: she's barely standing up at times. Her legs don't seem to be supporting her right. She's been falling backwards, forwards, sideways and even into the toliet when she's sitting on it. The daycare made a list for me on Thursday morning. She fell 8 times in 30 minutes. Our day care is part of the college, so it has a giant observation room where you can look through 1-way glass. I sat and watched her for a while that afternoon. She's started trailing her hands along stuff as she passes them in case she falls. She fails the Romberg test consistantly.
We took her to the doctor again on Friday. He still thinks it's nothing, or possibly a gross motor delay. He recommends physical therapy. Which is all well and good if that's what it is. But it's not his 3 year old who keeps falling flat on her face when she is startled by it enough that she can't even catch herself. We suggested a CT scan, and he said ok.
I'm terrified. He wouldn't have agreed to a CT scan if he didn't think there was a possibility it could find something. What if there is something wrong with her? What if it started in January, and we did nothing and now it's worse? What if she ... oh god, anything? What if... ?
And then Friday night, she fell less. and Saturday, even less. Still more than a standard pre-schooler, but less and I began to think that maybe... Maybe it wasn't a big deal. Maybe I was overreacting. Maybe she is just uncoordinated. And it wasn't so hard. And my chest began to unclentch a little.
We took the kids to Knight's Action Park again on Sunday. Anya conquered her fear of the white slides last visit, and this time, she even told me not to catch her. She fell off the end and went under, so we sat on the edge, and watched how the other kids got their feet under them and stood up at the end, and she got it. The next time down, she didn't go under. And the next 20 times, I sat and watched her with only a high five at the end. After over an hour, she had to pee. She fell so much walking to the bathroom, that I held both of her hands so that I could catch her. And still she fell. So I carried her. We went to meet Ally and Rob at the Wave Pool and kids area over there, and she played for a little in the water. She got cold and hungry and tired and came out to sit with us. And fell. She was wobbling on our laps. She stood up to look at the waves and I had to hold onto her hips to keep her from falling over sideways. Her knees buckled. She was standing ok for a little bit, so I turned around to grab a towel, and in 2 seconds, she fell over again. I had to carry her to the car when we left. We walked into the house and she fell flat on her face while I was taking my shoes off.
She thinks she's ok. She feels ok. She doesn't limit herself because of it, but she hates having boo-boos all over her. Her ankles are all scratched up. She has a bruise under her left eye and more up and down her lower legs. Her knees are covered in skinned places. But she gets up and plays every time she falls. She says she's not dizzy, but what does she know about dizzy? We can't know whether to believe her or not. We can't ask her what's wrong because she thinks that what's wrong is that she fell down. She doesn't understand cause and effect enough yet to help us figure this out.
A large part of this terrible immobilizing fear is confusion. She doesn't have any brain delays. She's learning to write letters. She draws. She climbs ladders and runs and rides a bike. She can pedal around the block (without stopping to blabber at us, which is more than I can say for someone else who will remain nameless) without getting tired. She can dribble a soccer ball down the field. She can throw a ball and even catch it sometimes. She loved dance class when we went last year and is looking forward to it this year. She did great in swim lessons. She can hop, jump, and gallop (which she calls skipping).
When she's not falling down.
I can't breathe.